So I thought this blog would be some type of way for me to release
the way I'm feeling but,it didn't really work out that way.Don't get
me wrong,the people on there are very supportive and had great words of encouragement but it just doesn't help. I seem to have been treating this as if it were my journal I write in.Sometimes,I'm on a roll,everyday I would write how my day went or what feelings I was having;then I just stop! Don't know why,I guess it slips my mind from time to time. It feels like it's the same shit different day. I try to go to one of the chat
rooms for "people like me" but you have to have a fuckin credit card,or some other type of software on the computer,or some other type of unnecessary bullshit.I try to get a doctor but the appointments are so far away,I'd been and killed myself already. Why can't they just have an over the counter medicine for bipolars? And what the fuck is a "bipolar",anyway? Where the hell did they get that name from?What,are we two polar bears or something? I hate this shit! I just wanna leave this world,there's nothing here for me.I don't belong here,I don't think like normal people,I don't know how to communicate with people,and I just don't fit in on this earth.Maybe,everyone is right. I am crazy! Maybe I need to accept that this is just who and what I am.I'm a FUCKIN FREAK!!!!! I'm not meant to love or be loved,I'm not meant to socialize with people,I'm not meant to interact with other human beings,I'm not meant to think like other people.It wasn't meant for me to understand or experience life as a functional individual.I'm hogging air and I know it. So what more can I do but just wait my turn in line to go and hope its soon! I don't know how much more patient I can be?

The past few days have really been nerve wrecking.I hate when I get down like that.It not only effects me but the people around me,and it's not fair to them to have to deal with me when I'm that way.I'm really thinknig about finding me a doctor,again.When I got out of the hospital in 2002 they put me on this medicine called Zoloft.At the time,it worked;time went on and I felt I didn't need it anymore.I was on top of the world!I stopped taking the meds after I had my baby(mistake #1)b/c I was breastfeeding.Then I stopped seeing the doctor b/c I had no energy to get up and put on clothes and face the world.People,if I had a choice,I would not be bipolar.Nobody chooses to be this way,there is really something wrong with the brain.A "chemical imbalance" is what they call it.But no ne whats to be this way.I fight hard every day trying to keep from going insane and itn't easy.No,I'm not sulking and I don't need sympathy,I need help.So I've decided to go see a therapist and get back on my meds.Let's face it,I need them and I'm not afraid to admit it.So to those people that think I'm an "idiot" b/c my life is full of sex and alcohol,you're right.Sex and alcohol is my way of self-medication,it's what makes me come out of that funk,it stops me from thinkng,and everything in the world is good!But i'm ready to try a new type of medication.One that doesn't have me sick the next day or have me doing things I would later regret.

So life hasn't been that good to me,so what? Get over it,right? Well if anyone has the answer out there,give it to me.My cousin is bringing his broke ass over,for what I don't know.I should be happy,right? He just came home from Vegas and I haven't seem him in awhile.But it seems like every time he comes home from his "little adventures" I end up providing everything.people use to bring wine or something to your house to show appreciation for the invite.But not homeboy,he feel like you should set it out just b/c he is here.Anyway,Things between me and Alix are kinda confusing.I realize that we have nothing more than sex and I have accepted that;it seems he can't deal with it.He pulls moves that a man that I have been dealing with for years would pull.So,I really don't know where we stand.All I know is that if he is not willing to be with me the way a couple should be together,then we might as well keep it friendly until otherwise.Why make things complicated when they don't have to be?Baby daddy is lost in dream world,he believes that I'll come to my senses about us and realize that we belong together. If I haven't realized it in eleven years,I don't think I'll ever get it.But he still has hope,now what am I to do with that?My mother got a major part in a movie she auditioned for.I'm very proud of her,she was meant to be an actress.People,if you knew my mom you would know she was suppose to be in entertainment.I gotta go...someone at the door.

God! I wish this day would end.I just feel so down and depressed.I hate this feeling.My head hurts,my chest is heavy,and I can't stop crying.Everything around me is irritating,I just wanna be alone in the dark.No one talk to me,shut my phone off,and ignore the doorbell.But if I do that,I'll have everyone over here,they'll be convinced I'm trying to kill myself,and it would be extra drama when all I want to do is just get past today.I'm not crazy and I'm not a nut. I'm human like everyone else.Today is a bad day and I....I don't know.I remember when I was a little girl going to "my father" house in the summer and "my sisters" and I played like we were cheerleaders trying to do pyramids."My dad" took pictures of us falling everywhere.We finally got one picture with a perfect pyramid.I can still see that pic in my head.I miss "my grandma Gloria" so much.I miss how she would come and get me,we'd spend the weekend together going shopping or just hangimg out.I wonder how she is?I miss "my sister" Meosha,I miss "my sister" Kiki. I miss the life I once had and the people that were there.I miss my daddy!!!!!! I'm sorry,the crying is out of control.Be back later.

There are so many thoughts running through my head right now,I feel like I'm going to explode.First,I'm really trying not to get discouraged about this move.I know without a doubt that we're going to make this move,I just don't know where.Everywhere I inquire they tell me my income has to be a certain amount.I feel I have enough to pay the rent and whatever utilites,so what's the problem?Second,I am so sick of phony people!!!!Why do people act like they something their not?It's hard enough just being yourself in this world, to me it would be even harder being someone your not.This very thing is what makes me shut myself off from the world.Or wonder if maybe I'm the one from a different planet.Boy I tell you,the human mind is deadly.Third,I'm tired of thinking so damn much.I really wish my brain had a shut off switch.Every two seconds,there is a different thought.What am I going to do about moving,what am I going to do about my boys,my boys need a better mom,I need a drink,I need a cigarette,why won't my mom try to listen to me about my past,who is my father,where is he,why don't I love my kids father,what is wrong with the relationship between my sisters and I,just end this madness and kill myself,my boys would be better off without me.I'm so tired.But I know I can't give up.I know if I killed myself my boys would never be the same.All hope that I have for them would be destroyed.I love my boys so much,everything I do I do for them but it's not enough.They need a mother in her right mind that doesn't see things and hear voices.A mother that enjoys life just like they do.They had to get stuck with.....